MAYOR OF GIRARD, KANSAS

June 11, 2026

Position Summary

The City of Girard is seeking an energetic, highly motivated individual willing to accept responsibility for every problem within a 50-mile radius, regardless of actual jurisdiction.

The Mayor serves as the City’s Chief Handshaker, Ribbon Cutter, Facebook Complaint Reader, and Professional Scapegoat.

The successful candidate will possess excellent communication skills, unlimited patience, and the emotional resilience of a Navy SEAL trapped inside a Facebook community group.

Essential Duties

Public Relations

  • Attend every community event.
  • Attend every event you didn’t know existed.
  • Attend events you were never invited to but were somehow expected to attend.
  • Smile for photos immediately after being yelled at.

Citizen Complaints

Must respond professionally to:

  • “My water bill was higher than normal.”
  • “Why is there a squirrel in my tree?”
  • “Can you do something about my neighbor?”
  • “Can you make Casey’s bring back that pizza from 2018?”
  • “The wind is blowing too hard today.”
  • “My dog doesn’t like the new stop sign.”

Infrastructure Management

Will be held personally responsible for:

✅ Potholes
✅ Rain
✅ Drought
✅ Snow
✅ Wind
✅ Mosquitoes
✅ Utility outages
✅ Utility bills
✅ School lunches
✅ Gas prices
✅ Inflation
✅ The Chiefs losing
✅ The Chiefs winning too much
✅ The moon being too bright

Facebook Operations

Daily responsibilities include:

  • Reading comments beginning with:
    • “Not trying to start drama, but…”
    • “I heard from a reliable source…”
    • “This town has gone downhill.”
  • Explaining that the city cannot arrest people for parking crooked.
  • Refraining from replying: “Ma’am, that’s literally not how any of this works.”

Required Skills

Conflict Resolution

Must successfully mediate disputes involving:

  • Property lines.
  • Chickens.
  • Lawn clippings.
  • Trash cans.
  • The speed at which someone’s cousin drives down a side street.

Advanced Investigation Skills

Candidate must determine:

  • Which resident called City Hall but refused to leave their name.
  • Why a resident’s water pressure changed 0.03 PSI.
  • Who keeps stealing flowers from the cemetery.
  • Why Karen’s internet is slow despite not being a city service.

Minimum Qualifications

  • Thick skin.
  • Very thick skin.
  • Ridiculously thick skin.
  • Ability to remain calm after hearing: “I pay your salary.”
  • Ability to answer phone calls beginning with: “You’re probably not going to like this…”

Preferred Qualifications

  • Prior experience herding cats.
  • Experience negotiating peace treaties.
  • Experience surviving Thanksgiving dinner arguments.
  • Ability to identify every resident solely by the sound of their complaint.

Physical Requirements

  • Ability to walk 12 miles during the town festival.
  • Ability to consume 17 hot dogs annually at community events.
  • Ability to shake hands with someone immediately after they were eating ribs.
  • Ability to maintain eye contact while hearing a 45-minute story that could have been one sentence.

Performance Evaluations

A successful Mayor should expect:

  • 10% of residents to think you’re doing great.
  • 10% of residents to think you’re ruining the town.
  • 80% of residents to have no idea what you actually do.

Benefits Package

  • Unlimited coffee.
  • Occasional newspaper photo.
  • Random conversations in Walmart.
  • Knowing exactly where every pothole is located.
  • Learning things about yourself from Facebook that aren’t true.

Selection Process

Applicants must complete:

Round 1:

Answer 500 Facebook comments without crying.

Round 2:

Explain why the city cannot control the weather.

Round 3:

Attend a two-hour meeting about a trash can.

Final Interview:

Convince a resident that the Mayor is not personally responsible for a squirrel chewing through a power line.

DISCLAIMER

The City of Girard would like to remind applicants that the Mayor is not responsible for:

  • The weather.
  • Utility rates set by other entities.
  • Your neighbor’s barking dog.
  • Your ex-spouse.
  • The price of eggs.
  • The outcome of Trojan football games.
  • The moon.

Although many residents may disagree.

Applications will close immediately after the first Facebook comment saying, “Back in my day…”